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The mental affects of a crash 16 years on…

I wrote a status on a social media site a month or so back saying I should maybe speak out a little more about how I’m feeling so this is my attempt at trying to give you a little insight to how I feel on a day to day basis..

I am disabled I can say that word now but for years I couldn’t I knew I was different.. I’m very very lucky I’ve got a close group of friends who really are unbelievable we have all grown up together and are there at a drop of a hat and there won’t be many people who have a bond like ours.. But this also comes with its problems for me in a way they don’t see me as disabled which can be great as I don’t get treated any differently but they will do little things like if we are in a restaurant they will cut my food up but do it slyly and not make a fuss about it as they know I get embarrassed about it.. When I’m around my friends I feel normal with a smile on my face and I don’t admit to my problems as I’m forever using the line yeah things are all good when really that couldn’t be further from the truth…

I feel like I have two little people sat on each shoulder… The pain I am in every day I feel like I walking around with weights strapped to my right.. The only way to fix this one side says is go to the gym build it up look after yourself better get pain free or something less painful than it is.. The other person on my shoulder says hell no you can’t go to a gym.. Think of all the people that will be looking at you not been able to lift that.. The amount of times I put my gym stuff and got to the front door and can’t open it.. This is the dilemma in my head as I’ve been in a gym before I worked so hard and felt great so I know full well people aren’t looking at me in fact they will probably be thinking fair play.. So why can’t I open that door..??

This continues in every part of my life an old friend said to me this year instead of blaming when you know it was all going wrong why didn’t you get a job..?? Again fair point and I’ve had other people, friends say get a job you’d be great at this etc.. I can’t turn back the clock and I’m not blaming anyone but I hear the words “if you don’t sign this contract I will take you to the cleaners and make your life a living hell” also “you need to sell everything quickly al” so while I was doing that he was spending my money sleeping with escorts.. So when I’m in bits and see the life they are living yes it really gets to me when I have a sleeplessness night due to pain.. But like I said I can’t turn the clock back so why don’t I get a job..?? I know in my head I could do jobs and set my mind to things I’ve stood in front of 100’s of people and spoken I know not many people can do that.. I can’t use my right hand and it’s the right hand we all shake hands with the thought of going up to a stranger with the way I walk and shaking their hand scares the living crap out of me.. I know this is stupid as it’s just a hand shake that first impression.. Would they allow me to ring in saying I can’t come in today as I’ve had no sleep and I can’t move.. I think a lot of people see me as lazy I’m not I sit at home going absolutely mad thinking I need a job to be around people because once I know people and involved in a group the anxiety goes away and I feel comfortable.. But that little demon won’t let me do it even now as write this my right leg is going mad and I’m thinking how the hell can I do this..!!

To stop me thinking mad thoughts of everything that’s going on I think I’ll go for a walk in town. Same as the gym I’m walking badly people will stare and let’s not beat around the bush they do I’ve see it every time I’m out with that share I think so what are they thinking about me. It makes me feel awkward and not want to be out I’ve become a nervous wreck knowing I have to walk anywhere on my own.. Now I know what you are thinking if I haven’t bored you already and you are still reading.. Well it can’t be that bad I see on social media he’s out most weekends having a good time a smile on his face.. We all know we only put on social media what we want people to think.. I’ve done it for years gone out on a weekend and drank not always to enjoy myself but to forget and I’ve not got a drink problem but I’ll have a night out and think I’m ok and that will give me the confidence to talk to people.. I wouldn’t say it works I could not tell you the last time I went up to a woman in a bar and started chatting her up. I’ve got a lot of Beautiful female friends who try to give me confidence and don’t understand why I’m single and even myself I know I’m not a bad looking guy but in my head if I limp over to a woman in a bar I’m straight away thinking why the hell would they want someone who walks like that.. You may think I’m just been daft with that but in my head I just can’t allow myself to do it and if I do get talking to anyone I think what the hell am I going to say I’m just going to bore them and what can I offer them I’m not working I don’t really have a day to day social life as I’m stuck at home I just become a nervous wreck so behind what looks like I’m out having the time of my life I’m really not.

The thing with a spinal injuries most people lose control over there bladder and bowels I got very lucky and have control to a certain degree meaning I know when I need to go but knowing when I need to go means I’ve got about 5 minutes to find a toilet.. In July I spent a week in London my first time as a tourist there.. I spent the week panicking and trying not to show it.. On the tube on the buses thinking what happens if I need to go..?? Where’s the closest toilet..?? When I walk into a bar/restaurant most of you look for the bar I look to where the toilets are and what’s the access like, is there people in the way if I need to get there quickly.. Long journeys in cars/buses are a full on panic for me I like to drive as I know I’m in control if I need to go I can pull over at any time.

I started to grow a beard and which a lot of people didn’t like and they couldn’t understand why I kept it and but the reason was it gave me soon kind of attention people didn’t seem to see the way I walked I got asked to go on photo shoots I know I’m not a model but that feeling of people wanting to know me and I was doing something felt great. People where noticing me and I felt confident in spells which sounds absolutely silly with it been a bit of hair on my face but it was giving me a talking point and you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who wanted to talk to me.. Very sad I know looking back at it now.

As you get older you think you are more capable of working things out in your head and you start to understand things a little more regarding the word disabled but in fact it seems to be getting worse and the mind plays more tricks on you.. I’ve got 3 little nephews. I make a phone call every single day in the morning to make sure they have slept ok and got to school I then can’t wait for 4 o clock to ring them to speak after school to find out what they have done. For those five minutes I forgot every little bit of what is going on in my head.

I’ve not written this for anyone to feel sorry for me and I know a few friends will take me to the cleaners but that’s their way.. I’ve tried to let you know a little bit that goes on inside my world..

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